like a psychotic rainbow (raindroproses) wrote,
like a psychotic rainbow

  • Mood:

*happy sigh*

Just finished re-reading part 39 of the epic AJ/Mac story "Playing With Fire". Oh, the angst in that chapter is... just amazing. Here's an excerpt, cut for strong, sexually-explicit language.

AJ and Mac have been had an affair for about six months before this. AJ decides to call it off after he realizes he's in love with Mac. Mac gets involved with another man. After a few months, Mac finally decides to sleep with this man. Before they do, Mac realizes it's AJ she wants. She goes to AJ's house, and he treats her rather rudely, since he knew about the big weekend. She runs off, and he goes after her. He finds her at her apartment. She tells him that she realized she didn't want Joe (her boyfriend)--she wants AJ. They make love. The next morning, AJ goes to... ahem... wake Mac up. He finds a bruise in a rather... sensitive area, and confronts Mac when she wakes up. He doesn't stop to listen to any of her excuses--he insults her and storms out. This is two weeks later. Anger and hurt have been simmering on both sides. This is the climax of the big fight.

She picked up her hose and balled them up in her fist. She tilted her head and looked at AJ and said softly, "You never even thought of it, did you?"

"Thought of what?" he rasped, his heart aching at what they were doing to each other, but unable to stop himself from lashing out at her.

"What I said to you before you left the other day." She saw his blank look and shook her head in disbelief. "All this time... every day... waiting for you to talk to me... waiting for you to understand what really happened between Joe and me... and you never even remembered what I told you!" She shook her head and said, "I am more of a fool than I thought!"

Looking up, she said, her voice steadier but emotionless, "I'm not going to wait for you to figure it out yourself. For some reason, you want to assume the worst and push me away... and I think you are using this as an excuse to." She took a deep breath. "So... I'm going to tell you so there will be no more questions in your mind."

Placing her hands on the back of the chair in front of his desk, she stared at the front of AJ's uniform and said, "Yes... Joe did make that mark. Yes... we kissed, we undressed each other, and we lay together on the bed in our hotel room. Yes... he fondled and sucked on my breasts. Yes... he stroked and licked my thighs. Yes... I let him lay between my legs and use his tongue and his mouth on me. Yes... he entered me with his fingers and drove me close to orgasm several times over... without giving me release. Yes... the feel of hands other than my own made me wet... and the feel of a mouth and tongue on me after being so long without your touch... made me want more."

She looked up at AJ and waited until he met her eyes. "NO... we did not have intercourse. It was not him I wanted." She heard AJ snort but kept on. "It was you... you pigheaded ass... that I was thinking about! The only reason Joe got as far as he did was because it wasn't HIM I was loving. It was YOUR hands on me and inside me. It was YOUR mouth on my breasts and between my thighs. It was YOUR name I called out, begging for release, begging for him to take me... IT WAS YOU, AJ."

She saw his eyes widen with dawning comprehension. "That's right, AJ... I called out your name while Joe was pleasuring me. It's kind of a mood breaker... don't you think?!"

"Mac... I..."

"I don't want to hear it, AJ. I'm glad you know the truth. It's been eating at me that you left without hearing what really happened." She smiled bitterly at him. "But... you know what... it doesn't matter. You still jumped to those horrible conclusions--you didn't trust me; you thought I lied to you; you thought I used and manipulated you. And... you thought I was screwing two men at one time, playing you both off on each other until I found the one that suited me best.

"So... now you know. I did let Joe do all those things to me... and I was a very willing participant. But... just in case you didn't get it before, I'll say it again... it was YOU I wanted then AJ. And... as you just proved five minutes ago... God help me... it's still you I want now."

Mac turned and unlocked his office door. Looking back at him, she saw the beginnings of remorse in his eyes. Shaking her head, she said, "You know... I think what hurts the most is that you never even gave me a chance. A chance to explain... a chance to be a central part of your life... a chance to love you."

Wow, huh? I can't believe something so angsty makes me so happy--but that could be because I know how the story ends up. *sighs again* "Playing With Fire" is my favorite AJ/Mac story ever, hands down. No other will ever surpass it in sheer emotional intensity--or smut ratio. *evil grin*
Tags: fanfic, jag

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