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Stargate AU ficlets

surreallis is a horrible person. She watched Big Bang Theory on CBS, and while, apparently, the show itself was meh-ful, it gave her an idea for a Stargate AU.

This idea has been niggling at my mind for a few days now. (Damn you, woman!) So here are three ficlets based on that Big Bang Theory Stargate AU (hereafter called "The House That Jack Built" (TM pepper_field), to make it less unwieldy). I wrote these before re-reading the post, so not all of those ideas are incorporated. But, AU, right?

surreallis, this is ALL YOUR FAULT. *shakes fist*

"Wait--you own a... a vibrator?" a slightly tipsy Sam asked. Vala was a bad, bad influence--she'd never ask that sort of question normally.

She did a lot of things around Vala she wouldn't normally do.

Vala smiled. "Of course! Don't you?"

Sam blinked. "Well, yeah, but I'm me. I wouldn't think you would need..."

"There are times when I can't be arsed to deal with the idiocy of men." Vala laughed. "And they come in quite handy other times, too." She leered. "Pun intended." Sam gulped her wine as she tried to figure out how to change to subject.

Alas, it was not to be.

"Hold on." Vala plunked her glass onto the table, sending wine sloshing over Sam's latest AWIS magazine. "You own a vibrator?"

Sam groaned. "Oh, God..."

Vala bounced gleefully. "What kind? Electric or battery-operated? Did you bring a friend to the store with you? Next time, let me know, I'll go with you; I've been looking for a replacement for my Hitachi since the cord wore out."

"Um." Sam didn't know what to say. This wasn't normal conversation--what was she saying? This was Vala. And thus, she found herself answering slightly invasive questions. At least she wasn't going to end up with a tattoo this time.

She hoped.

"Uh... both. And I didn't go to a store; I ordered them online."

"Them? A collection? Let me see!"


"Come on, Sam! We don't need secrets between friends!"

"Vala, I'm not showing you my vibrators." And there was a sentence she never thought she'd utter.

"Oh, pooh. You're no fun." Vala brightened. "You'll at least show me where you got them, right? I never knew you could get them from the Internet." She paused. "Though that does take some of the fun out of the whole thing."

Sam squirmed. "I... I guess I can e-mail you some sites."

"E-mail? Bah!" Vala waved her hand. "You have a computer. Actually, you have three, but that's beside the point. Show me now." Sam hesitated. "Or I'll drag you out to my favorite store and--"

Sam was at the computer in a flash, pulling up her favorite website. Vala peered over her shoulder, pointing at links for Sam for click.

"How wonderfully corrupting!" Vala beamed. "Now, how do I find the porn?"

"Vala!" Sam turned bright red.

"Oh, come on, Sam! You can't fool me." Vala threw her arm around Sam's shoulder. "I know that underneath that geeky exterior is a wanton little hussy just waiting for her chance to shine."

Sam blinked. "Have you been getting into Liz's romance novels again?"

"I can't help myself. She's just as naughty as you are." Vala sniffed. "I'm so proud. Now, porn."

"Yes, Mistress. Right away, Mistress."

"Ooh, kinky. You wanton little hussy."

Sam couldn't help her smile, even as Vala dragged the keyboard away from her and started typing something into a search engine.

Suddenly, the screen went dark. Actually, everything went dark.

"SAM!" her neighbors' voices screamed.

"That wasn't my fault!" she shouted back.

"This time," Vala snickered. Sam, being the intelligent, mature woman she was, stuck her tongue out at her.

"Sorry!" Radek Zelenka's voice drifted up.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!"

Sam and Vala looked at each other--well, in the general direction; it was hard to tell in the dark--and laughed.


Jack flicked on the light switch. "Well, here we are. Kitchen, living room. Bedrooms over there. There's a half-bath off the master bedroom; full bathroom just down the hallway."

Carson looked askance at Jack. "It's very nice. Spacious." And it was nice. It seemed the super here actually did his job--unlike at his old flat. He knew what Janet said she paid for rent, but that couldn't be right. "So, how much did you say it would be?" he asked casually.

Jack smirked. "What, too high for you?"

"It does seem... unlikely... that a place of this caliber would be so... inexpensive," Carson replied.

"Yeah, well..." Jack scratched the back of his head. "You do have some... neighbors."

"Neighbors?" Carson didn't like that pause. Bad things lurked in pauses like that. "Look, they're not doing anything... illegal, are they? Because with my work visa--"

"No no, nothing like that," Jack said hurriedly. "They're just... strange."

Carson's brow furrowed. "Strange? Strange like your typical bored-person strange, or strange as in conspiracy theorist strange?"

"Strange as in crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo."

"Do they bother other people?"

"Not at first." Jack wore a hunted look. "But you get sucked in."

"Ah." Carson thought for a moment. He really needed a new flat. And the rent here was good. And really, all he needed was a place to sleep--the hospital would keep him rather busy.

He opened his mouth to ask when he could move in. Everything went dark.

"SAM!" multiple people shouted. Someone banged on a wall.

"Sorry! Sorry!" a panicked female voice yelped.

Jack sighed and clicked on a torch. His eyes held a strange glint. Carson stepped back.

"So..." he hesitated. This was clearly a man on the edge. "Does this happen often?"

"Yes," Jack ground out. "Just... wait here while I fix this."

"All right." Janet hadn't warned him about this. Any of this. Not the power going out on a regular basis...

"No longer in possession of one's faculties... three fries short of a Happy Meal..."

Nor the super teetering on the edge of sanity.



"Danny!" Daniel winced. He hated being called Danny; he wasn't sure if Jack knew that, but his guess would be 'absolutely'. The man was worse than Rodney for getting under people's skin.

Though no one was quite as irritating as Rodney.

He turned around. "Mr. O'Neill," he said. "I'm really sorry about the other night--John and Cameron came over and we totally lost track of time."

Jack waved that off expansively. "Don't worry about it. At least I didn't have to go replace the fuses again."

"So, um... what did you want to talk..." Daniel blinked. A very large black man stood in his path, gazing at him calmly. 'This is generally the part where you run away.'

Daniel hated that snide little voice. It sounded just like Rodney, and it was the cause of so many of his hospital trips. How was it that Rodney could say anything and nothing ever happened to him, but Daniel always managed to piss off the wrong people?

"Danny, I'd like you to meet my friend Murray. You can call him T."

'Is his first name "Mister"?' Daniel smiled nervously. "Nice to meet you... T." The hulking form nodded slightly.

"T, this is one of my tenants, Daniel Jackson." Jack clapped a hand onto Daniel's shoulder. "Danny here has a bit of a problem with the neighborhood bullies."

An eyebrow arched. Daniel never knew someone who didn't smile could be so expressive. "Which one, O'Neill?" a rumbling voice asked.

"Ah... all of them." Jack sounded embarrassed for Daniel.

"Indeed." T looked at Daniel with an appraising eye.

"I was kinda hoping you'd show him a few things. You know, when to run away, things like that."

"Wait... don't you work at the diner down the street?" Daniel blurted.

"Best pancakes in the city," Jack nodded. "But T here also teaches some classes in his spare time."

'In what--how to bench-press an SUV?' Daniel realized, by the looks on the two men's faces, that he'd said that out loud.

He winced and closed his eyes. A laugh caused him to crack one open again.

"See what I mean, T? Kid needs some help."

A smile finally cracked T's face. "I shall see you on Saturday, Daniel Jackson."

"Uh... okay." Why did he have a bad feeling about this?

Oh, yeah--because it was Jack. The only possible way it could be worse was if Rodney had been involved.

"Great! Thanks, T." Jack smiled. His friend nodded gravely and left.

"Uh, Jack?" Daniel asked past the sinking feeling in his stomach. "What kind of 'classes' am I taking?"

"Oh, that?" Jack replied innocently. "No big deal. T teaches classes in Tae Kwon Do."

Daniel groaned. Just what he needed. Classes in how to get his butt kicked.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.


Oct. 6th, 2007 01:46 pm (UTC)


These are AWESOME! I love them so MUCH! HEEEEE!

Especially Vala and Sam and the vibrators, and the power going out, and people yelling "SAM!", and Radek being the guilty party, and CARSON!!! And just... oh, it's all so wonderful and FUN!

I will totally take the blame for this! Whoohooo! :D
Oct. 6th, 2007 02:26 pm (UTC)
You have me trying to figure out the roommates! So far I have:

Daniel and Rodney
John and Cam (who has a tendency to lose his pants, making Sam drop by far more often than she otherwise would)
Sam and Liz (though Vala spends enough time at their place that she's like a third roommate)
Janet (Teyla, new in town, moves in with her)
Carson (who ends up rooming with Ronon)
Radek (poor lonely Radek is all alone, but Rodney likes to drop by and needle him about his latest theories)
Teal'c (somehow, though no one ever sees them come in, he always has a lady friend in his apartment)

...I'm putting way too much thought into this. Thanks a lot. *glares*
Oct. 6th, 2007 02:44 pm (UTC)
Ooh, yes, I like that! Also, I really, really want Ronon to be a anthropology professor at the local university, and he wears suits and has his dreads tied back all the time and sometimes he wears these really sexy glasses, and just... YES.

Also, I can totally see Jack out in the bushes, trimming branches, while trying to get a look at Murray's new ladyfriends, because he's really, really fascinated and amazed and a little jealous of how many girlfriends T has. And he wants to learn T's mojo secret. :D

Oct. 6th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC)
Also, I really, really want Ronon to be a anthropology professor at the local university, and he wears suits and has his dreads tied back all the time and sometimes he wears these really sexy glasses, and just... YES.

Yes please. And of course, when Ronon moved it, it'd be kind of like George Cloony moved into the building, because he's just so much cooler than everyone else. And so besides for maybe John, and Vala, Teyla, and possibly Teal'c, no one would talk to him for a while, just whisper about The New Guy. And Radek of Rodney would conference, all, "Elizabeth and Teyla may already be having little crushes on him."

Rodney stared for a moment, then resumed his pacing. "Well, I mean, they, they, of course, he's all -- and he's got the -- I mean I practically have a crush on the guy." And then he paused, midway through a third lap past the front door. "That...did not come out like it was in my head."

"That's okay, Rodney," Daniel said, not looking up from what he was reading. "He's an anthropologist, I'm sure he's very accepting of differing lifestyle choi--"

"Oh, shut up! You're the one whose studying before you meet him."

Daniel sniffed and turned a page. "This is a perfectly legitimate linguistic journal that I would be reading anyway."

"Not twice."

"I found him quite approachable, personally," Radek said.

Rodney rounded on him, jaw hanging. "You've talked to him?"

"Well of course I've talked to him, he lives next door. He's not bad if you do not mind the quiet." Radek blinked, and waiting for a response, but Rodney and Daniel just stared at him. "What?"
Oct. 6th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, Radek, you are so awesome. And Rodney and Daniel's mancrushes are just too cute. <3
Oct. 6th, 2007 04:15 pm (UTC)
YES! All of this is perfect! Because Ronon IS totally cooler than everyone else. Except maybe Teal'c, but even Teal'c will be sort of wistful about Ronon's excellent wardrobe.

And I don't know why, but I can totally see Liz having the biggest crush on him of all, to where she just babbles on when meeting him in the elevator, and then dies of embarrassment when he gets out. (Oooh... there's a snippet there...)
Oct. 6th, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC)
Here via surreallis.

These are awesome!

"Not at first." Jack wore a hunted look. "But you get sucked in."

Do you ever.

LOL on the benchpressing SUVs and Sam usually being the one to knock the power out.
Oct. 6th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :-)

And you know it'll be Sam, Radek, or McKay who causes the power outages. Gotta love those genius science geeks. *grin*
Oct. 6th, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
Except I think Radek, while causing the outages at least a third of the time, would completely just blame Sam and McKay for it -- and they'd be too busy blaming each other to notice, and no one would ever know. ;)
Oct. 6th, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC)
And McKay will always blame Sam, even when it *is* his fault.
Oct. 6th, 2007 03:22 pm (UTC)
Followed surreallis' link over and, omg, HEE! These are too funny. Poor Jack, driven slowly mad[der] by his tenants....
Oct. 6th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
Mwahaha! *grin* Any more and he'll end up drawing with condiments.
Oct. 6th, 2007 07:48 pm (UTC)
I love that these stories (here written and burning yet un-realized in my frontal lobes and fingertips) have such a ring of familiarity and delight. I'm completely hooked!

"The House That Jack Built" is the best show playing!
Oct. 6th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
I. Love. You.

"Not at first." Jack wore a hunted look. "But you get sucked in."

Oct. 7th, 2007 03:44 am (UTC)
I will join the legions professing their undying love for you.

So. Much. Damn. Fun.
Oct. 7th, 2007 05:09 am (UTC)
:bows before you while trying not to snort soda up my nose:

I am not worthy...

And I'm so gonna get surrealis for steering me here...

Oct. 7th, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC)
He hated being called Danny; he wasn't sure if Jack knew that, but his guess would be 'absolutely'.

Hahaha! Because that explains a LOT. And, aw, Jack hooking Daniel up with Teal'c for training in how not to get his butt kicked - he does take care of his geeks, really. I love this! Love this whole AU like mad.
Jan. 27th, 2008 11:32 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'd watch this show.
Jan. 27th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
Glad you like it! This is my favorite AU in the history of EVER.

Have you seen jack_built? It's a whole comm about this AU, and all the folks there are fantastic.
Jan. 27th, 2008 07:19 pm (UTC)
Followed it here, as a matter of fact. ;)
Jan. 11th, 2011 08:30 pm (UTC)
So, I just discovered you guys' [Bad username: jack_built&quot;]"Do they bother other people?"

"Not at first." Jack wore a hunted look. "But you get sucked in."</i>

BAHA, oh, Jack. Poor, poor Jack.

Love the characterizations!


I love the world (xkcd)
like a psychotic rainbow
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