like a psychotic rainbow (raindroproses) wrote,
like a psychotic rainbow
raindroproses

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Self-pity--blegh


It's a beautiful night here in Boston. Snow is falling outside my window. Traffic isn't as heavy as it usually is on my street--probably because of said snow--so it's relatively quiet. Most of the girls on my floor have gone out because it's Friday night. It's pleasantly warm in my room for a change--my roommate went home for the weekend, so I'm actually able to close the window. The lights are off, the only light from outside being filtered by a white screen of snow; the only light from inside coming from my computer monitor. The Christmas CD I bought today at Best Buy is playing softly on my stereo. It's a night that I'd usually be content, if not happy... but I'm not.

Truth is, I'm lonely. I've been back at school for four months now, but I haven't been outside a four-block radius of school other than going home for breaks. I don't have all that many friends here. Even if I did, I wouldn't feel comfortable interrupting their weekends to see what they're doing. *laughs* I suppose that they're more acquaintances, not friends.

Even when I'm at home, I don't feel like I belong. My foster family is so close-knit and affectionate, and I'm not comfortable with that. I've never really been one to show affection easily. It's taken over three years for me to tell my foster mother that I love her. I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas, but I know that my visit will only reinforce my feelings.

*sighs* I want some human contact. Real, live human contact. No offense to all of my online friends--you're all great. But everyone needs someone who has a face to his or her name; someone who they can physically touch--even if they're as averse to physical contact as I am.

Maybe if I get over my painful shyness I can actually get out and meet people. However, I just don't want to go out by myself. A woman alone at night in the middle of Boston... no. Don't think so.

I suppose I'll go now. I do feel a bit better, having written this. If you've actually taken the time to read my pathetic self-indulgence... thank you.


--Shannon
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