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Self-pity--blegh


It's a beautiful night here in Boston. Snow is falling outside my window. Traffic isn't as heavy as it usually is on my street--probably because of said snow--so it's relatively quiet. Most of the girls on my floor have gone out because it's Friday night. It's pleasantly warm in my room for a change--my roommate went home for the weekend, so I'm actually able to close the window. The lights are off, the only light from outside being filtered by a white screen of snow; the only light from inside coming from my computer monitor. The Christmas CD I bought today at Best Buy is playing softly on my stereo. It's a night that I'd usually be content, if not happy... but I'm not.

Truth is, I'm lonely. I've been back at school for four months now, but I haven't been outside a four-block radius of school other than going home for breaks. I don't have all that many friends here. Even if I did, I wouldn't feel comfortable interrupting their weekends to see what they're doing. *laughs* I suppose that they're more acquaintances, not friends.

Even when I'm at home, I don't feel like I belong. My foster family is so close-knit and affectionate, and I'm not comfortable with that. I've never really been one to show affection easily. It's taken over three years for me to tell my foster mother that I love her. I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas, but I know that my visit will only reinforce my feelings.

*sighs* I want some human contact. Real, live human contact. No offense to all of my online friends--you're all great. But everyone needs someone who has a face to his or her name; someone who they can physically touch--even if they're as averse to physical contact as I am.

Maybe if I get over my painful shyness I can actually get out and meet people. However, I just don't want to go out by myself. A woman alone at night in the middle of Boston... no. Don't think so.

I suppose I'll go now. I do feel a bit better, having written this. If you've actually taken the time to read my pathetic self-indulgence... thank you.


--Shannon

Comments

kerlin
Dec. 6th, 2003 03:28 am (UTC)
Hmmm...don't suppose you'll be in Boston at all when I'm home for Christmas break? If so, coffee or something and random squealing over Gibbs/Kate sound good?

*hugs* I know how you feel, though. I'm coming up against exactly the same thing in France. It's really hard, and sometimes it just hits you like that.
raindroproses
Dec. 6th, 2003 09:01 am (UTC)
Hmmm...don't suppose you'll be in Boston at all when I'm home for Christmas break? If so, coffee or something and random squealing over Gibbs/Kate sound good?

I dunno... when you coming in? I'm heading home on the 22nd or 23rd.

*hugs* I know how you feel, though. I'm coming up against exactly the same thing in France. It's really hard, and sometimes it just hits you like that.

I couldn't imagine what that would be like. At least if I get too lonely, I can just hop the commuter rail home. *hugs back*

--Shannon
herlifeisbroken
Dec. 6th, 2003 06:12 am (UTC)
Sends virtual (((((hugs))))) and promises to give you a real one next time I'm in Boston!
raindroproses
Dec. 6th, 2003 08:59 am (UTC)
Thanks. :-) *((((hugs)))) back*

--Shannon
cakemage
Dec. 6th, 2003 06:15 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you've been going through all of this. I know it really sucks, being so lonely, and always feeling like an outsider... I really wish there was something substantial I could do to help, but the best I can do right now is send virtual *hugs* and promise a special Christmas gift. =~.^=
raindroproses
Dec. 6th, 2003 09:08 pm (UTC)
Aw... virtual hugs are good. And just knowing that someone cares enough to read even my whiny posts makes me feel much better. *hugs back*

--Shannon

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