Fortunately, Sovereign Bank is incredibly helpful, and they're issuing me a new card and looking into the purchases. Yay, Sovereign!
However, I only have $9 in my account right now, and I can't buy anything unless I want to write a check. I'm too damn lazy to do that. So I'll have to wait until I get more money--and a new card.
I hate people. I really, really do.