Some absolute fucker is buying shit with my money! It's not like I wouldn't notice this! One of the companies was a French web hosting company! (Come on. Do they really think that I'd be like, "Oh! I must have forgotten all about buying that hosting package!" when a) I already have one, and b) I don't speak French?) The other was some phone company in New Jersey. ...Yeah.
Fortunately, Sovereign Bank is incredibly helpful, and they're issuing me a new card and looking into the purchases. Yay, Sovereign!
However, I only have $9 in my account right now, and I can't buy anything unless I want to write a check. I'm too damn lazy to do that. So I'll have to wait until I get more money--and a new card.