like a psychotic rainbow (raindroproses) wrote,
like a psychotic rainbow

FF: Confused Memories, Part 18

Title: Confused Memories (18/?)

Author: raindroproses

Rating: R
Category: Drama, Romance, Crossover (JAG/Harry Potter)

Spoilers: Through "The One That Got Away" (JAG); Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter)

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. The JAG universe belongs to DPB and his gang, and the Harry Potter universe belongs to the goddess, JKR.

Author's Notes: Mmm... angst.

Chapter 17: In which there is much introspection

AJ sat in the large overstuffed chair by the fireplace. He gazed at the sleeping woman stretched out in his bed. He sighed and took another sip of his firewhiskey.

She was so beautiful. Her skin shimmered in the moonlight streaming through the tall windows. She looked content, at peace. The happy smile on her face brought a smile to his.

What had he done? He placed his glass on the round table beside his chair and ran a hand over his face. He had done the unthinkable... he had taken advantage of a subordinate. Well, obviously not unthinkable, because he had thought it. He scowled.

He was the Judge Advocate General of the United States Navy. She was a lawyer under his command. What in the world was he supposed to do now? How could he look at her and not feel guilty? She didn't know the extent of their actions.

He knew what he was supposed to do--that was the horrible thing. The honorable thing to do would be to turn himself in as soon as he got back to the States. He had broken regs--he had to pay for his mistake.

But he also knew that he would never do it. Partially for himself... but for Sarah, as well. She didn't know what she was doing when she approached him. Okay, so she knew perfectly well what she was doing. However, she didn't know the consequences of her actions. How could he punish her for something that was his fault?

Why couldn't she have been a Muggle? None of this would have happened. Better yet... why couldn't she have remained at the Aurory? Then he wouldn't be wracked with guilt over his actions. He pushed the thought away. It was wrong to blame her. It was his decision, and he had to accept that.

Why couldn't Meredith have understood? He thought that of anyone he knew, she would be the most likely to accept what he was. Instead, she had looked at him like he was crazy. When he showed her his powers, proved that he was what he claimed, she had looked at him like he was some kind of freak. That had hurt incredibly. He had loved Meredith, but she left him... like all of the other women in his life.

Now, he had to leave this woman. This woman, who he... He tried to cut off the thought before it surfaced. He didn't succeed. This woman... who he loved with all of his heart.

He loved Mac--he had for years. What should he do now? He closed his eyes and whispered, "I love you, Sarah."

He froze as she stirred. He held his breath, praying that she hadn't heard him. Her eyes fluttered open, and she smiled sleepily. "What are you doing over there, AJ? Come back to bed."

AJ stood and tried to return her smile. "In a moment, darlin'." He repeated the sentence in his head. He loved Sarah MacKenzie.

And she could never know.
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