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Scientology meme, Stargate style

apocalypsos posted a list of Scientology questions yesterday. Here's what Ba'al from SG-1 might answer to some of these questions:

Have you ever enslaved a population?

Yes. The people of Earth are next.

Have you ever implanted anyone?

Of course.

Have you ever sacked a city?

Personally? Never. That is for my loyal Jaffa to do.

Have you ever sunk, or otherwise destroyed, a non-combatant vessel?

Sometimes, it is the only way to make a point. And other times, it's just too much fun to say no.

Have you ever abused hostages, or prisoners?

I wouldn't say "abused". I would say... interrogated enthusiastically.

Have you ever ordered, or yourself committed, genocide?

A good leader never has to give orders. His subordinates know instinctively what he wants, and carry it out.

Have you ever annihilated a population?

Fifteen worlds and counting!

Have you ever poisoned food or drinking supplies?

Of course not. That powder in Yu's drink was an exotic spice. That just happens to cause insanity.

Have you ever strangled anyone?

And ruin my perfect manicure?

Have you ever deliberately spread disease?

Only to annihilate a population.

Have you ever deprived people of hope?

There is no hope. Resistance is futile. Damn you, Tau'ri popular culture, for being so addictive.

Have you ever stolen a body from another being?

Does this host make my butt look big?

Is anybody seeking to discover your whereabouts?

I am the most hunted Goa'uld in the galaxy. Take that, Anubis!

Have you ever violated a nation's neutrality?

A nation? Think big, foolish human. A nation's neutrality is mere child's play. Anyone could do that. I, for one, have violated the neutrality of many planets.

Have you ever broken a treaty?

Rules are made to be broken.

Have you ever deliberately trained people in untruths for power, or profit?

No. If they can lie to others, they can lie to me.

Have you ever practiced terrorism?

It's not terrorism, it's persuasion. Carefully calculated to break the spirits of any rebels plotting to overthrow their god.

Have you betrayed someone, or something, which deserved your help?

Of course not. The only someones or somethings I betrayed were completely unworthy of my help.

Have you ever pretended to a knowingness you did not possess?

I am all-knowing. I am a god.



Jun. 25th, 2005 10:23 am (UTC)
*g* your answers are definitely better than mine.
and they're just begging to be mocked this way.

somebody should make a fic about Ba'al and some scientologists.
Jun. 25th, 2005 10:24 am (UTC)
*write a fic.
Jun. 25th, 2005 10:29 am (UTC)
*giggles* I have this VERY WRONG picture in my head of the System Lords sitting in a circle, playing "I Never".

"I never... set a booby trap."

*everyone drinks*

"I never... violated the established rules of warfare."

*everyone drinks*

"I never... starved anyone to death."

*everyone drinks except one*

*gasp* "Ba'al, how could you not have starved anyone to death?"
"Well, I always ended up helping along the process. It's not my fault!"
Jun. 25th, 2005 11:03 am (UTC)
you think they have a journal?
Dear Diary,

total I maimed and killed about 1000 people and enslaved two planets.
It was a rather productive day.
And I almost killed O'Neill! I think I'm finally getting closer to my goal.

or do they just have ticky boxes and blank spaces for numbers?

Today I....
( )killed ___ people
( )enslaved ____ races
( )made ____ bad fashion choices
( )used ___ cliched lines

You know what encounter I'd *really* like to see? Jechova's witnesses knocking on his door.
Jun. 25th, 2005 03:53 pm (UTC)
OMG! Are you telling me that the Gou'ald are real, and that they're the ones who brought Scientology to the planet Earth?

Woah, dudes.

Seriously, someone does need to write this fic.


I love the world (xkcd)
like a psychotic rainbow
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