October 28, 2004
BOSTON, MA: Boston burned yesterday as the Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. Thousands of celebrating fans mobbed the area surrounding Fenway Park after the 3-0 win at Busch Stadium.
"Woooooo!" screamed an unnamed college student after being asked how he felt about the win. His friends agreed with this sentiment.
Many have claimed that a Red Sox World Series win would be a sign of the Apocalypse. To combat these claims, the Almighty Lord and Satan the Adversary held press conferences in their respective cities.
"My esteemed colleague is completely misleading the American public-- Oh, wait; this isn't the Bush post-debate spin? My bad." Lucifer, Prince of Hell, took questions for a few minutes before finally responding to the original question. "Hey, guys," he said from his podium on the steps of New York City Hall. "You're all doing a fine job bringing about the End. In fact, you're going to put me out of a job if you don't knock it off. Get my drift?"
The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ stood in the middle of Fenway Park, shouting to be heard over the rioting crowd outside. "Dad and I are delighted about the Red Sox win! Our Guys played great tonight, and We couldn't be more pleased!" He adjusted His 'Damon is My homeboy' t-shirt and said, "Now, if you don't mind, I gotta go talk to My bro. You're all doing a great job controlling the End of the World here. Keep up the good work!" He disappeared in a bright flash of light, causing the photographers present to threaten a lawsuit for destruction of property, but not before he added, "Oh, yeah--don't forget to vote next Tuesday!"
As Satan dealt with the complete breakdown of his corporation, HELL, Inc., he was also presented with a civil suit for breach of contract. George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, claimed that the contract he signed with HELL provided for both continued Yankees wins over the Red Sox, as well as confirming the loss of the Red Sox in any World Series for one hundred years. Satan's lawyers responded, saying, "Mr. Steinbrenner's contract was signed in pig's blood, which invalidates any and all--you're saying that it is his blood? Oh. Um... oops?"
Deaths or injuries resulting from the win have not yet been confirmed.