like a psychotic rainbow (raindroproses) wrote,
like a psychotic rainbow

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NCIS hack. 'Cause some people just need to *die*.

Disclaimer: Violence is bad, yo.

Except when focused against evil badfic writers.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! [Go 'way. I don't like you.] I'm back! [I thought I just told you to go away.] I know I haven't updated the Two Colleagues story in forever but it kind of came to a dead end, [Thank you, God! That story burned my poor retinas.] and I have been busy with the NCIS Virtual Season. [Oh. So that's why it sucks so badly it should be titled "Hoover".] Anyway, I decided to use my undercover marriage story as the start of a new fic; but don't worry, this one is gonna be completely different. [*gags* Either finish one crappy fic, or stop writing. Either way, it would help me not HATE YOU FOREVER.]  [Huh?]

This is going to be TATE, so all KIBBS people be warned, [Oh. My. Fucking. God. I fucking hate those cutesy 'ship names.] but I promise I shall stay true to my reputation, and make it as funny as I possibly can. [The only way this fic could possibly be funny was if a squadron of sporks came flying through the computer screen and stabbed you to death.] 

Title: Operation: Mr. and Mrs. DiNozzo [You are soooo original.]

Rating: PG (rating may increase with new chapters) [Please tell me you're not threatening us with your limited sexual knowledge, Fangirl. You're probably the type that writes about penetrated clitorises. *grimaces at the thought*]

Pairing: Tate

Summary: "No! NO! NOOOOO! There is NO way on this earth, that I am playing newly weds with DiNozzo! It is NOT going to happen!" [*winces* And we already have craptastic grammar.]


(MUST READ!!!) [Why? Are you going to tell me how to make a million bucks in thirty days?]

Most of you will recall in the season finale when Gibbs and Kate met at the coffee place. [...Yes...] When they sat at the table, Gibbs kept staring at Kate, and Kate was like, "stop looking at me like that, Gibbs. Your [Actually, she said "you're". As in "you are".] making me nervous. Your [You're] acting like your [YOU'RE] about to tell me I'm fired, or your sending me undercover as Tony's wife."

Well....... [Ellipses only have three periods, sweetcheeks.] this story is about what would have happened if that IS what Gibbs was going to tell her. [Woo! Tense change in one sentence! This girl's got MAD SKILLZ, YO!] Hehehe. [Hehe. I ride the short bus! Hehe!]

Enjoy 

Taking a seat at the small café table across from Gibbs, Kate began to nervously shift her steaming coffee cup from hand to hand.

Something about the look on Gibbs face was different. It wasn't the usual scowl, but instead was replaced by a softer look; almost as if he was trying to be friendly.

And if Kate had learned anything in her time at NCIS, it was that when Gibbs gets friendly its [it's] NEVER good.

They sat in an awkward silence for a few more moments, until Kate finally found the nerve to speak.

"Stop looking at me like that [comma] Gibbs!" She [she] said, her voice coming out an octave above normal. "Your [*groans* Do I have to go through this again? You're!] making me nervous; like you're about to tell me I'm fired, or your [you're...] sending me undercover as Tony's wife!!"

More Silence. [But this was special silence. This was Silence with a capital S. Kate, wearying of being trapped in crapfic, soon pulled out her Sidearm and a Silencer and shot her way out of the coffeehouse.]

But Kate suddenly froze as a look of guilt flashed briefly over Gibbs's face. [HAHAHAHA! Gibbs, feeling guilty! That's funny!]

"Oh [comma] God [comma] No [no]!" She [she] yelped, turning heads from nearby table. [What? Kate has more than one head? Awesome!] "GIBBS! You CAN'T be serious!"

Gibbs did his best to keep his face emotionless, but he couldn't help to show a little sympathy. [*chokes* Uh... no. Just... no.]


"I'm sorry, Katie," Was Gibbs only response. [Kate stared at Gibbs. "Who the fuck are you, and what have you done with the man who once told me never to say I was sorry?"]

"What the HELL is it for!" Now people were really staring [period.]

"Because," Gibbs murmured so that only Kate could hear him. "I need you to get close to Lieutenant Comamder Jackson, so you can profile him. We need a profile, Kate! It's a key part of the investigation!" [And... why couldn't she just profile him in the office, like she usually does? It is her job, after all.]

"Alright! Fair Enough, but why does that involve getting all close and cuddly with Tony!?" [He never said anything about close and cuddly. Hell, Gibbs's own relationships seem to have been more about golf clubs and baseball bats.]

"Katie," Gibbs said, mentally bracing himself for what he was about to say. "Jackson and his wife own a Bed and Breakfast for honeymooners."

Realization dawned on Kate like a slap in the face. [Usually "dawning" denotes slow. A "slap in the face" (which, incidentally, is what I'd like to give you right now), denotes fast.]

"No! NO! NOOOOO! ["WILSON!"] There is NO way on this earth, [no comma] that I am playing newly weds [newlyweds--honestly, have you ever heard of compound words?] with DiNozzo! It is NOT going to happen! A married couple is bad enough, Gibbs! But NEWLYWEDS!!!!! NO FLIPPING WAY!!!! [You obviously need to read up on your Pratchett, pumpkinhead.]

"Kate, Please." Gibbs sighed. "Don't make me pull rank on you." [...And why wouldn't he anyway? He's Gibbs. The man has more control issues than NASA Mission Control.]

Knowing she had no other option, she finally gave out a long sigh.

"Fine. But you are soooooooooo going to owe me Gibbs! Seriously." ["I am, like, such an unprofessional! But you love me anyway, because I am... *dundunDUN!* Kate-Sue! Now with three million percent less Kate Todd!"]

"Deal," Gibbs smiled, "Welcome aboard Operation: Mr. and Mrs. DiNozzo." [*grinds teeth* Where did I leave my spork? It's a nice titanium one... have you seen it?]

Kate responded by spraying hot coffee out her mouth, and all over the table top. [Gotta love cliches. Except, you know, NOT.] A sickening look crossing her face. [Gah! Sentence fragment! *ducks*]

"Catchy name, huh, Agent Todd?" Gibbs asked, a smirk crossing his face. [Extremely.] "Now.......... [There's a shortage of punctuation, hon. Well, there wasn't--but you had to go and use up the world's supply.] we get to go break the news to DiNozzo."

["Undercover with Kate, huh? So, Kate... what do you wear to bed, anyway?" DiNozzo leered.

Kate glared. "In this fic, probably some lacy lingerie thing. And if you touch me, I swear that I'll find a particularly violent author and convince her to write something where I get to shoot you."

Tony winced. In-character Kate was a force of nature. "I can't help it if the author makes me do things I don't want to do!"

"True." She sighed. Fucking teenyboppers. "I suppose I could settle for just slapping you."]

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