I'm a complete idiot. Now, this may not come as a surprise to the rest of you, but it's a shock to me. You know what I just realized? One of the reasons my host is so cheap is that I can't telnet into my server. Of course, that's only one reason, but right now, it's a big one.
*sigh* I think I'm going to go search for a new hosting service. Anyone have any suggestions?